By Azariah B. – (School: George Westinghouse College Prep)

Explaining my depression

Explaining my depression to whoever will listen, a panic attack

My depression is the sun. Some days it’s tucked neatly away by a mist of clouds and other days it shines through my window and leaves me with a slight sunburn 

These days I try my best to hide from the sun. 

It taughts me from behind my curtains so I stay under the covers 

Though as the oxygen shortens in the large duvet I’ve concealed my body under, I lose my breath

My hands begin to shake and I’m gasping for air, the restriction of oxygen on my tired lungs makes me dizzy. 

Still I hide under my cover struggling for one more breath even though there’s a world of oxygen beyond my sheets

This reminds me of a time in the fourth grade where I began to drown at a water park. 

As my body accelerates to a nauseatingly uncomfortable speed I’m plunged into the water

As I peer through the water up into the sky, the sun burns my eyes

I’m sure that this is the end. 

I began to pray

I didn’t ask god to save me but to instead make it painless

I wondered who would tell my mother the news 

I’d seen her take many of these phone calls

She would break down for a few minutes then phone and tell someone else the news

And as I sat there, waiting patiently for the departure of myself from this plain, I heard it

Stand up! Stand up!

It was then I realized the depth of my situation

The water I was in 3 and a half  feet, and coming in a whopping 4’11 at the time, all I had to do was stand up

The line between life and death rested in my ability to stand up. 

That’s depression.

To be so close to life but have your mind make your meeting beyond the bounds of possibility 

To make standing up the longest journey and to accept that it’s one you cannot make

And the journeys only get longer 

First it’s standing up, next it’s the walk from your bed to the light switch, and finally it’s the space between you and your phone which has rung for the 7th time today. 

New message from best friend

“You wanna hang out today! We’re going to the movies around 6. I miss u, and I’m here if you need anything.”

New message from best friend

“Are you coming? The movie’s about to start”

New message from best friend

“Hey so obviously you decided not to come today, but why? We haven’t hung out in weeks, anyway I love you”

Typing

It’s, it’s like my car’s broken

The first day I can manage the sputters and the shrieking of the tires as long as the car gets me to where I need to go. 

The second day the car breaks down in the middle of the road. I was stuck there for a while but it was fine after I gave it a jump

The third day the engine didn’t start at all 

The fourth day I couldn’t even find the keys 

And on the fifth somebody stole the fucking tires

I’m so tired 

Do you want to send this message

No

Deleting message 

Typing 

Hey I’m so so sorry, I’m just really busy. I love you too

Sending message

I mean what’s the point in going to the movies any way

I’ve spent the last 2 days watching my ceiling fan collect dust

Fun fact, dust is made primarily of dead skin cells

And suddenly watching the ceiling fan make me dizzy isn’t so appealing anymore

It reminds me that with every rotation I am dying 

That the seconds I waste here only bring about the inevitable

That I will someday die and some will mourn me even before then

How selfish am I 

To worry about my own transcending when death is a worry for the living

That’s how I know I’m alive, because some days I’m not 

I’ve always been afraid of the dark 

I used to turn on every light in the house to make my way to the kitchen

On the bad days I don’t bother 

I let the darkness surround me 

For on these days there is no room left for worries

My mind can’t muster the possibility of the things that lurk in the shadows because on the days I am dead I am one 

So here I am trying to be alive 

Trying to explain my depression to whoever will listen 

What it feels like to love you

What it feels like to love you 

Loving you is like being lactose intolerant and still eating ice cream 

I know that no matter what I do this won’t end well but I’ll do it anyway 

Loving you