By Azariah B. – (School: George Westinghouse College Prep)
Explaining my depression
Explaining my depression to whoever will listen, a panic attack
My depression is the sun. Some days it’s tucked neatly away by a mist of clouds and other days it shines through my window and leaves me with a slight sunburn
These days I try my best to hide from the sun.
It taughts me from behind my curtains so I stay under the covers
Though as the oxygen shortens in the large duvet I’ve concealed my body under, I lose my breath
My hands begin to shake and I’m gasping for air, the restriction of oxygen on my tired lungs makes me dizzy.
Still I hide under my cover struggling for one more breath even though there’s a world of oxygen beyond my sheets
This reminds me of a time in the fourth grade where I began to drown at a water park.
As my body accelerates to a nauseatingly uncomfortable speed I’m plunged into the water
As I peer through the water up into the sky, the sun burns my eyes
I’m sure that this is the end.
I began to pray
I didn’t ask god to save me but to instead make it painless
I wondered who would tell my mother the news
I’d seen her take many of these phone calls
She would break down for a few minutes then phone and tell someone else the news
And as I sat there, waiting patiently for the departure of myself from this plain, I heard it
Stand up! Stand up!
It was then I realized the depth of my situation
The water I was in 3 and a half feet, and coming in a whopping 4’11 at the time, all I had to do was stand up
The line between life and death rested in my ability to stand up.
That’s depression.
To be so close to life but have your mind make your meeting beyond the bounds of possibility
To make standing up the longest journey and to accept that it’s one you cannot make
And the journeys only get longer
First it’s standing up, next it’s the walk from your bed to the light switch, and finally it’s the space between you and your phone which has rung for the 7th time today.
New message from best friend
“You wanna hang out today! We’re going to the movies around 6. I miss u, and I’m here if you need anything.”
New message from best friend
“Are you coming? The movie’s about to start”
New message from best friend
“Hey so obviously you decided not to come today, but why? We haven’t hung out in weeks, anyway I love you”
Typing
It’s, it’s like my car’s broken
The first day I can manage the sputters and the shrieking of the tires as long as the car gets me to where I need to go.
The second day the car breaks down in the middle of the road. I was stuck there for a while but it was fine after I gave it a jump
The third day the engine didn’t start at all
The fourth day I couldn’t even find the keys
And on the fifth somebody stole the fucking tires
I’m so tired
Do you want to send this message
No
Deleting message
Typing
Hey I’m so so sorry, I’m just really busy. I love you too
Sending message
I mean what’s the point in going to the movies any way
I’ve spent the last 2 days watching my ceiling fan collect dust
Fun fact, dust is made primarily of dead skin cells
And suddenly watching the ceiling fan make me dizzy isn’t so appealing anymore
It reminds me that with every rotation I am dying
That the seconds I waste here only bring about the inevitable
That I will someday die and some will mourn me even before then
How selfish am I
To worry about my own transcending when death is a worry for the living
That’s how I know I’m alive, because some days I’m not
I’ve always been afraid of the dark
I used to turn on every light in the house to make my way to the kitchen
On the bad days I don’t bother
I let the darkness surround me
For on these days there is no room left for worries
My mind can’t muster the possibility of the things that lurk in the shadows because on the days I am dead I am one
So here I am trying to be alive
Trying to explain my depression to whoever will listen
What it feels like to love you
What it feels like to love you
Loving you is like being lactose intolerant and still eating ice cream
I know that no matter what I do this won’t end well but I’ll do it anyway
Loving you